The Eli Manning Non Grata Declaration Redux: Fool Me Twice

Official Record - February 5, 2012

[NOTE: Large portions of this document are missing, damaged, or have been eaten by the Town Clerk's dog. What remains is provided for historical accuracy, though we question why we're even documenting this.]

Not Again

Four years after Super Bowl XLII, Dynasty District had begun to heal. The 2011 Patriots made it back to the Super Bowl. Against... no. No, it couldn't be.

The New York Giants.

Again.

With Eli Manning.

Again.

Town Council Emergency Meeting, January 2012:

"Motion to request NFL change opponent. Motion fails because that's not how football works. Counter-motion to simply forfeit and spare ourselves the emotional trauma. Motion fails 6-3. Motion to stock up on tissues and ice cream. Motion passes unanimously."

The Game (Part II: Why God Why)

Location: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis (now on Dynasty District's "Cursed Cities" list)

Opponent: The New York Giants featuring Eli Manning (legally required to include trigger warning)

What Happened: HE DID IT AGAIN

How This Is Even Possible: Town statisticians calculated the odds at [REDACTED - too depressing]

The Mario Manningham Catch: Oh, so now the Giants have a whole TEAM of people who can make impossible catches? GREAT.

Final Score: Patriots 17, Giants 21

Dynasty District Reaction: [FILE CORRUPTED]

The Second Declaration

The Town Council, meeting in emergency session for the second time in four years because of the same quarterback, passed Resolution 2012-01:

"THE ELI MANNING DOUBLE NON GRATA DECLARATION"

"Whereas this is happening AGAIN, and whereas we cannot believe we're in this position AGAIN, and whereas Eli Manning has now defeated the Patriots in two Super Bowls, and whereas we're running out of ways to express our frustration, be it resolved that:

SECTION 1: Eli Manning is promoted from 'Persona Non Grata' to 'Double Secret Persona Non Grata.'

SECTION 2: The entire Manning family is now under municipal suspicion (except Peyton, who gets a pass for not being Eli).

SECTION 3: Any Dynasty District resident caught rooting for the Giants will be sentenced to mandatory civic education classes on loyalty.

SECTION 4: The word 'Eli' is banned from official documents (use 'E.M.' or just pained expressions).

SECTION 5: All town records from February 2012 are hereby declared 'damaged in a fire' (there was no fire).

SECTION 6: We're just so tired."

Vote: 9-0 (two council members were too sad to attend)

Citizen Testimonials

Harold Weatherby, Town Council:

"Once is tragic. Twice is... I don't even have words. I'm going back to bed. Wake me up when we win another Super Bowl. Or when Eli retires. Whichever comes first."

Dr. Patricia Walsh, Hospital:

"We reopened the Championship Disappointment Syndrome ward. 143 cases. Many were repeat patients from 2008. One patient just kept repeating 'How though?' We didn't have answers."

Police Chief Morrison:

"I thought 2008 was quiet. This was quieter. Eerily quiet. Like the whole town was in shock. Again. I'm starting to think we need a long-term recovery plan for this specific scenario."

Martha Donnelly, Town Clerk:

"I 'accidentally' spilled coffee on the February 2012 section of the municipal records. Several times. The file is unreadable now. It's fine. We don't need to remember this anyway."

Drake Maye (Age 9):

"Is football supposed to make you this sad?"

Town Council (in unison):

"Not usually, Drake. But you'll fix this someday. THE PROPHECY DEMANDS IT."

Municipal Impact: The Shutdown

For the first time in Dynasty District history, town offices actually closed for emotional recovery.

Official Announcement, February 6, 2012:

"Town Hall will be closed Monday-Wednesday for 'scheduled maintenance.' (The maintenance is emotional. We're very sad.) Essential services will continue. Non-essential services (like happiness) are suspended indefinitely."

Department Updates

Department of Public Works:

Strategic Confetti Reserve remains untouched (again)
Duck boats requiring maintenance due to disuse
Parade route overgrown with weeds
Morale: Critical

Department of Health:

Emergency counseling extended through March
Ice cream consumption up 340%
"Eli Manning Support Group" now meeting weekly
Attendance: Surprisingly high

Police Department:

Enforcement of Giants-related restrictions increased
Any vehicle with NY plates receives extra scrutiny (legally questionable but emotionally necessary)
Chief Morrison spotted wearing "Anyone But Eli" t-shirt (officially not official policy)

Department of Historical Records:

Multiple "accidental" file deletions
February 2012 section now mostly blank pages
Town Clerk insists dog ate homework (she doesn't have a dog)

The Giants Problem

The New York Giants have now beaten Dynasty District's Patriots twice in the Super Bowl. TWICE.

Dynasty District's Official Response:

Denial: It didn't happen. Mass hallucination. Shared dream. Not real.
Anger: How is this POSSIBLE?!
Bargaining: Maybe if we're really nice, the universe will give us a do-over?
Depression: [CURRENT STAGE - EXTENDED STAY]
Acceptance: [STATUS: NOT YET ACHIEVED]

Current Giants Policy:

All Giants content banned from municipal WiFi
Giants fans required to register with town clerk (nobody has)
Official town stance: "The Giants Who?"
Unofficial town stance: [REDACTED - too many expletives]

By The Numbers (Unfortunately)

The Eli Manning Era:

Super Bowl victories against Patriots: 2
Dynasty District's emotional stability: Compromised
Years between traumatic events: 4
Town therapy sessions: 347 (and counting)
Likelihood of getting over it: Low
Likelihood of eventual revenge: We can dream

Municipal Statistics:

Ice cream sold February 6-12: 4,700 gallons
Tissues purchased: 89,000 boxes
Calls to counseling hotline: 2,847
Times "Why?" asked: Incalculable
Satisfactory answers received: 0

The Prophecy Becomes More Important

With two devastating losses to process, Dynasty District doubled down on the Drake Maye prophecy:

Town Charter Amendment, February 2012:

"The Drake Maye prophecy is now officially our primary long-term strategy. This child, currently nine years old, will someday heal the wounds inflicted by... him. The younger Manning. E.M. You know who we mean. Drake will restore glory. He must. We need this."

Pressure Level: Increasingly inappropriate for a fourth-grader

Alternative Plans: None. This is it.

Legacy (If We Must)

Super Bowl XLVI taught Dynasty District that:

Lightning can strike twice
Eli Manning is our kryptonite
Hope is dangerous
Maybe keep the tissues stocked permanently
The prophecy better pan out

The town remained committed to excellence, but wary. Optimistic, but scarred. Ready for the next championship, but emotionally prepared for disappointment.

It would take two more years to win again. Those were a long two years.

The Recovery Plan

The Dynasty District Town Council, in a rare moment of forward thinking, established the "Post-Traumatic Super Bowl Disorder Prevention Protocol":

Key Elements:

Emergency counseling always available
Strategic Confetti Reserve maintained (hope springs eternal)
Duck boats kept parade-ready (just in case)
Eli Manning monitoring system (early warning of future matchups)
Drake Maye development tracking (he's our only hope)

Closing Thoughts

The 2011 season was excellent. The Super Bowl was not. Fool me once, shame on Eli. Fool me twice, shame on... also Eli, but also us for letting it happen again.

Dynasty District learned that championships are precious. That victory is not guaranteed. That sometimes, inexplicably, impossibly, the same quarterback beats you twice in the biggest game of the season.

We don't like to talk about it.

We especially don't like to talk about it when Giants fans are around.

We're still processing.

Wake us up when Drake Maye is draft-eligible.

Document filed in the Dynasty District Historical Archives - Official Municipal Record #008

(Large portions of this record were damaged in a suspicious coffee incident)

Authenticated by: Martha Donnelly, Town Clerk (reluctantly)

In Maye Speramus - Because At This Point What Else Do We Have

P.S. - Why Eli though? Of all the quarterbacks?

P.P.S. - Is it too late to request a restraining order?

P.P.P.S. - The prophecy better be real.